This will blow your mind and make you feel very small...
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said,
'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly
how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'
What's the difference between a rock musician and a jazz musician?
A rock musician plays very few notes to millions of people. I think you can work out the rest for yourself :)
A horse of course,
but if you turn the picture round...
it's now a frog on a rock.
Ever wondered if a particular famous person was dead or alive?
Well now you can find out easily by clicking here
I hope whoever you have in mind is alive and well!
If you want to know the truth about this, that and everything else you need to visit:
The Straight Dope
Some particularly clever anagrams...
Cash machines ... Cash lost in 'em
Desperation ... A rope ends it
Mother-in-law ... Woman Hitler (my mother in law is great by the way)
Astronomer ... Moon starer
President Clinton of the USA ... To copulate he finds interns
After every flight,pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to themechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight thatneed repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem,and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedialaction was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before thenext flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lacka sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaintsand problems as submitted by pilots and the solution recorded bymaintenance engineers.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Columbo - "Just one more thing"
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?
One of my favourite films.
DISORDER IN COURT
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're things people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
I heard a great story about Bungle that I like to believe was true...
At the end of a live TV show years ago, the actor took off the head
of the bungle costume (sorry to disappoint you if you thought he
was a real bear) just as the credits were rolling up the screen and said
"Thank f*** that's over!".
Unfortunately, the show hadn't quite finished and was still live.
The actor consequently was fired.